


The Revenge of Animal House

by Shatterpath



Series: Animalvengers [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Animal Transformation, BAMF Darcy Lewis, Crack, Gen, Humor, Magical Accidents, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 00:37:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3229640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shatterpath/pseuds/Shatterpath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shenanigans continue at the Animalvengers Tower and Darcy proves herself the sassiest of them all!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Revenge of Animal House

**Author's Note:**

> Dear heavens, and I thought the first one was cracky...
> 
> Seriously, I should not be allowed off my leash! This project has made me laugh SO MANY TIMES. And Darcy is all win here, sassy and hilarious.
> 
> And BE AFRAID, there's a third one in the works that just might put these first two to shame...
> 
> No, I have no shame, why do you ask? *skips away laughing*

Baths had been a nightmare, though at least the intellects of the transformed Avengers kept them from doing anything too destructive.

Mostly.

Jane was still aching from Natasha's feline freakout that had led to a sopping mop of claws and fur scaling her like a tree to ride, hissing, upon her poor scalp. Though the abject begging for forgiveness from the normally stoic spy had almost been worth it and apparently Jane now had a friend for life. After all, they'd bonded now over nails and hair care now.

Over the last few days Jane had almost gotten used to the heavy, purring weight of affectionate feline draped over her shoulders as well as Thor's bulk warming her feet. The gang of them kept shenanigans out of the labs, they weren't stupid, but they wouldn't sleep anywhere except in groups. The several twin mattresses and piles of blankets and pillows in the corner of the lab were proof of that. 

The hallways of the common areas, however, were a free for all. There were endless hours of the lot of them in various combinations rumpusing back and forth with various levels of speed and dexterity. Steve was too big and fast to rough house with even Thor now, but he was always game to be the target for the others. The small staff that would normally tender to the Avenger's areas had been sent home for an indefinite paid vacation after poor Constance had been going about her duties and been inadvertently terrorized by a cougar big enough to look like a bear and his feral entourage. The abject apologies in their human voices from animal bodies had only made it worse.

The mess was getting worse over the days, but only Jane and Pepper's sanity seemed to be at risk any more. Darcy was having the time of her life. Fetch with Thor, skritches for Steve and Natasha, throwing soft targets for Clint to snatch out of the air, and always ready to be a pair of thumbs when they needed it.

Speaking of the wayward assistant, Jane was thirsty and had the nibblies. Sitting back, she rotated her head as best she could before rubbing the warm ears of her living neck brace. Predictable as death and taxes, the purring started up.

"Come on down now, I need a recharge of caffeine and calories."

With a faintly perturbed note carried on the purr, Natasha oozed down Jane's left shoulder and into her waiting arms. Chuckling, the small woman stood and walked over to pour the limp feline all over Thor, who cracked an eye to observe.

"Back in a few."

"Aye," he murmured and stretched his furry limbs before settling in once more, Natasha a ball of shadow behind his head. "May I beg a peanut butter bar?"

Jane's chuckle was echoed by the cat curled up with Thor. She didn't need to see the cute begging face on his canine mug, they all knew it well. Stretching luxuriously as she walked to the big common room and its kitchen, Jane yawned and rubbed away the kinks in her neck. Distracted by hunger and thirst, she took a moment to register the strange tableau and her startled blinking was almost audible.

Yes, it was four in the morning a week into what might be the strangest period of her life – and she'd been involved in some pretty weird shit – but nothing had made her fear for her sanity more than that sight.

"Darcy is that Loki? Are you petting… LOKI? Loki, why is Darcy... petting you? And is that purring?"

The blue-eyed glare only wished it was scary, and was not helped by the casual crouch of Loki's skinny Siamese body on the counter, Darcy's hand never ceasing her stroking the soft fur. The young woman's mischievous smile was dangerous, Jane really should have realized that years ago.

"Oh, he's okay, Jane. Nothing a little affection can't fix, right, cutie?"

"Tell any of this, mortal wench, and I will vow to spread such chaos in your life as to make these last days seem wonderful and harmonious." Loki growled, but the threat fell short as his head ducked beneath the stroking and scratching of Darcy's fingers. His icy gaze was stuck on Jane's hand, hovering impotently above the peanut butter bars Thor loved. When the former God of Mischief spoke again, the threat sounded even more like bluster. "Incidentally, I require more tuna."

Really, Jane wondered when she was going to wake up from this crack dream.

"Oh, how I wish I could work my phone..." Natasha's voice commented and Jane startled at finding the other cat sitting neatly near her feet. Loki's gaze shifted to glare at her, though he hunkered down more closely to the counter, should he need to make a run for it. Making a near-shrugging motion conveyed as much of her intent as her actual presence. "A good spy knows where and when to be somewhere. Tuna does sound yummy, if I could trouble you?"

"Since you asked so nicely," Jane replied and gave Loki a pointed look; one that he patently ignored.

"Hey, no worries, Lokitty," Tony's voice spoke jovially from the omnipresent audio system of the tower. "Catasha didn't give away your game. Jarvis has been recording since long before Jane showed up. You make such funny faces when your belly's getting rubbed." 

Even fearless Darcy leaned away from a cat tail lashing that violently. It bode no good.

"Stark, you will regret this."

"Yeah whatever, belly slut."

To prevent a cat fight or worse, Darcy found a can of the precious tuna, murmuring to herself to do inventory to ensure her strange charges stayed well fed and entertained. "I wonder if I can put this whole experience towards some sort of veterinary minor on my degree. Ouch! Natasha!"

The jump of surprise nearly took both women out, Jane's squawk of surprise echoing Darcy's. Completely unfazed by their much larger bodies, Natasha set her paw back on the floor. "It was only a love tap, Darcy. I didn't even draw blood, see?"

"Brat," Darcy grumped, but patted the black cat anyway as she set out a plate of the flaky fish.

"Worst disciplinarian ever," Jane teased and slid a plate under Loki's nose.

"When they're as smart as I am…"

"Smarter!" Tony barked through the room's invisible speakers.

"Or smarter," Darcy added with a roll of her eyes. "How much hell can I give them?"

After giggling, Jane spoke gently to no one in particular, since Tony's delirious mutters could still be heard.

"We haven't seen you in like twenty-four hours, Tony, you okay?"

"Never better! Gotta feed the muse when she's feelin' easy! Gonna be a floor show not to be missed, lemme tell ya!"

His voice held a crazed note of sleepless insanity and Natasha's exaggerated sigh and dry tone spoke for all of them.

"Are we going to have some sort of primate intervention?"

Weirdest week ever.

~

Two days later -- ones cluttered to distraction for Jane as Darcy was up to some mysterious shenanigans she was being uncharacteristically tight-lipped about – Jane and the others understood Tony's sleep-deprived madness.

The fiery whoosh of repulsor fire made everyone duck as a streak of familiar red and gold roared into the common room, Darcy hot on its heels. The gang universally gaped, an expression made all the more hilarious with variously shaped muzzles. Unsurprisingly, it was Pepper that found her voice first. "Tony. Tony. TONY. Why are you... HOW are you wearing an IRON LEMUR SUIT?!" 

With a thump, it landed on the big dining table and posed dramatically. "Awesome, huh? Thumbs, baby! They may be little, and a tad awkward, but THUMBS. Besides, that leaping sideways thing wasn't really working for me and I'm tired of the others playing 'catch the ringtail', so now we're on a more even paying field."

"How is that a more even playing field?" Clint asked and Natasha did her feline shrug.

"We can still take him."

Ignoring the assassins completely, Darcy caught her breath and patted the suit. "It's great! Watch!" 

With a poke to the Iron Lemur's helmeted head, 'I Like To Move It' blasted through the external speakers and Tony's superhero pose dropped.

"I never should've let you help."

Darcy only laughed at him and plunked a shiny metal recreation of King Julian's crown on his head, resplendent in matching colors.

"We totally installed a peanut blaster too! Jarvis is the man and let me boss him about so that Tony couldn't install anything lethal."

Struggling to remove the crown – even the feet weren't helping – Tony grumbled, "dammit, I thought I destroyed the last one!"

"You did, sir," Jarvis chimed in helpfully. "Miss Lewis persuaded me to create a match to the newest suit and I thought it only prudent to ensure that it was to be a permanent part of it. With that in mind, it will not be removed easily."

"Traitor."

"You have been telling me to be more social with the rest of the team sir."

If the AI's response had been any drier, there would have been dust drifting down from the ceiling.

Darcy patted the suit's head and hugged the lemur to her side. "Jarvis is totally my love slave. Yup. He likes me because I can make you blush. And I'm useful, even to Pepper."

"Speaking of which," Jarvis intoned with an edge of trepidation laced with amusement. "Sir, Miss Darcy made something that I feel you should be aware of. I am sorry, but she was most insistent."

The holographic projector in the table projected up a video of lemur Tony dancing about to the same iconic song his helmet had played, clearly unaware of the papier-mâché crown stuck to his helmeted head.

"You posted the video of me dancing to YouTube."

"Made it myself," Darcy bragged smugly, feet propped up on the table and tapping away at her smartphone. "Guess that elective paid off."

"It has ten thousand hits and growing, sir." Jarvis supplied helpfully and Darcy crowed back with devilish delight.

"Hey, hey, Mista J, you left off a few zeroes that have popped up since we started trending on Twitter. See that ya slimes, we're famous!" 

"Did you just reference Harley Quinn and quote Star Fighter at me in the same breath? You monster! Jarvis, did you let her into my comic collection?"

"Knock it off, Ringtail, or I'll make you dress up as the Joker for Halloween. My brothers ensured I knew what I must to survive." 

"Pff, like you could make me do anything." The various states of laughter around him – not to mention Darcy's evil side-eye – made Tony reconsider and he spoke up again in a hurry. "Jarvis, security code Alpha, Alpha, Darcy. She is locked out of all essential commands and not allowed any control during any major holiday period. Got it?"

With a flutter of wings, Clint landed on the back of Darcy's chair, giving her a quick hair-nibble of thanks before hopping over to the sulky Iron Lemur to look it over. "It's cool Tony, and you're lucky to have thumbs."

"You just miss jerking off," Natasha sassed and Darcy shushed them both.

"Deadly assassin-spy-smartasses, unruffle willya? The spell's gotta wear off eventually, right?"

That's what they were all counting on, even as the days dragged on.

"Glad that thing is done," Darcy continued on blithely as she continued fiddling with her phone. "Because it was starting to give me crack dreams. Like it become self aware and badass, except that its totally tiny and harmless." Feigning a baby-talk voice, she pretended to pat the head of an Iron Lemur-sized object. "Aww, who's a good wittle evil robot? Yes you are! Is big brother Jarvis being mean to you again? Awww… Then it starts singing 'I've got no strings to hold me down' all psycho-like, but how can I take THAT seriously? I mean, c'mon, it's wearing a little Julian crown! Besides, what's it gonna do, shoot peanuts at me? Fire tiny little arrows into the couch? Pew, pew, pew! Tony yelling at it to stop shooting his stuff, Steve complaining it kicked him in the shins, Thor all 'Verily it did tug my cape'. Maybe it flips Bruce off and probably gropes me so I'd think Tony was in it again, y'know?"

The rambling trailed off, Darcy's smile pure innocence as she looked around her speechless audience.

"Well, you did say you wanted a boyfriend," Jane heard herself say slowly.

"Who's taller than my knee and tailless, thank you very much!" 

"Ah, a shame that. I'd intended on introducing you to a quite lovely Svartelf from Nifleheim," Thor said in a conversational tone where he'd picked himself off the floor from laughing. Really, that princely sincere look on that dog face was so wrong. 

"Thor, are you trying to hook me up with one of your dwarf pals? Because Jane's shorter than I am."

"Hey!"

"Are you so stringent in your requirements? Borsil is a very skilled and wealthy smith, well read and they say handsome. It really is a shame. If not for the tail, he would be fending off marriage proposals each time the sun circled the sky."

Feigning a horrible and queeny English accent, Darcy snarked, "and verily, his sister's beard is indeed more impressive than his." She fired the innocent-faced Thor the stinkiest of stink eyes and growled, "No tail! Taller than waist level! I'm easy!" 

"Darcy, there is nothing easy about you," Jane drawled and the group dissolved into hysterical chaos once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Drat! My convo notes here were too long for AO3, so you've been spared! Suffice to say that dialog has translated pretty close to word for word and I once again just filled in the actions.


End file.
